Suffering For Success? Could Be ADHD

I made it to the top in media in spite of my undiagnosed ADHD. Not because of it.

It did not help. At all. It was the third rail in my life, threatening to electrocute me at any moment. And no one, not my doctors, not my family, not my friends, seemed to recognize it, assuming my mood swings and mess were just eccentricities and quirks.

Because I couldn't have bipolar disorder and ADHD and be an editor-in-chief. I was so "put together!" What most didn't understand was that my "put together-ness" was a well-constructed mask to hide how much of a disaster I was on the inside.

Of my woes, I thought, "That's just me." I'd always needed outside pressure to get work done and had trouble with procrastination. I chalked it up to my bipolar disorder, which I was diagnosed with in December 2005. However, I also had plenty of coping skills that helped me mask some of these issues. I kept a strict schedule to fix my time-blindness. I wrote everything down to avoid forgetting important dates and meetings. I did most of my work in the mornings to avoid afternoon brain fog.

But other things I couldn't hide — my inability to focus and lack of attention to detail, for example. My disinterest in things that "bored" me or that were rote and repetitive. If I received a document or email longer than a few paragraphs, my eyes would glaze over, and I'd struggle to get through it.

I also hated interacting with people solely through video chat because I was easily distracted by alerts on my computer — emails, social media pings, Slack notifications all seemed urgent, and I couldn't differentiate between the importance of the conversation unfolding on Google Meet and the 15 messages flying at me at any given moment.

And while I was struggling, I also felt like I couldn't ask for help. Work felt stressful and surreal.

As folks are discovering their ADHD late in life, just as I did, a few are trying to spin this brand of neurodivergence into a "superpower," but for me, it's just super debilitating. Tasks that should take minutes to do take me days to weeks to warm up to. I take everything too seriously, even obvious jokes. And reading books, something I loved as a child for an escape, now feels like a chore.

Medication helps. Since being in treatment, my lifelong issues with impulse control, time management, and creative blockages are much better. But I still dread tasks that take 5 minutes to execute, and I'm still a sensitive sort who cries easily.

But I share my story because I want to remove the stigma around mental illness. I want more Black women to feel comfortable going to their doctor and having these conversations around their mental health. I want us all to be our best selves and have the support we need. So I'm praying my story is instructive.

And that folks will follow those instructions to get the help they need.

Read my piece for Business Insider: "I made it to the C-suite of a media company and was the picture of success. Inside, I was falling apart."

Snob takes

Keke Palmer was a stunning host for the CFDA Awards on Monday, and I got the behind-the-scenes scoop on how she nabbed one of legendary designer Stephen Burrows' classic gold gowns for the show! It was none other than my friend, long-time journalist, TV writer, and vintage Black fashion collector, Keli Goff. For Essence Magazine, I revealed how Palmer's people found Goff and got someone who never lends her clothes to cough up the hard-to-find, golden goods. (Essence Magazine: Exclusive: The Back Story Behind Keke Palmer's CFDA Look By Black Designer Stephen Burrows)

The Snob has been talking politics lately like it's 2009. I recently went on Joy Reid's show (I show up around the 34-minute mark) and later on Don Lemon's (I come in around the 38-minute mark) YouTube show to talk about the lead-up to the midterms. I also appeared on WURD Radio a few times over the past couple of weeks, including yesterday, when we recapped the Blue Tsunami.

And speaking of that "Blunami," never have I been so happy to eat crow over this midterm election. In fact, I seasoned and deep-fried that crow and washed it down with a bottle of champagne last night. Ate it gladly. Was thrilled.

And if Scott Colom holds onto his lead in Mississippi for the U.S. Senate, becoming the first Black senator from the state since Reconstruction? Chef's kiss!

But you can't talk about this midterm election without talking about the power of Black women, who showed up at more than 93% for Democrats, after building, supporting, and organizing for candidates we support and believe in.

And we weren't simply the backbone of the Democratic Party; we were leaders this midterm. With wins in Georgia with Keisha Lance Bottoms for governor and in Illinois with Julianna Stratton for U.S. Senate—Black women worked behind the scenes to elect Black women who can lead, speaking to our power as a collective.

For URL Media's We The Many newsletter, I wrote: "A whopping 93% of Black women came out to support Democratic candidates across America, sparking the Blue Tsunami that engulfed the electorate. Black women were written off by this administration, which forced hundreds of thousands of them out of the workforce through DOGE purges and its destruction of diversity, equity, and inclusion. But while they could remove us from the workplace, they could not deny our power in politics." (URL Media: The ‘blue tsunami’ had Black women and Latinos at the center)